I know that for some people it means seem that I am deliberately being titillating by doing this video. I want to be perfectly honest, I’m talking about a topic that I thought might attract your curiosity because for men an obsession with oral sex is a metaphor for what I call the “male dilemma.” I believe not understanding how men really function is causing you a great deal of pain whether you are a man or a woman. I am trusting that my sincerity and true desire to liberate men and women from painful misunderstandings will come through in this video. I will explore a common male obsession as an opportunity to demonstrate how all behavior has a positive intent even though it may not be apparent. I was surprised, when I first began my practice that so many of the men I worked with were obsessed with either actually receiving oral sex or with fantasies that their partners would endlessly perform oral sex. I am not talking about enjoying oral sex which is natural, I’m talking about being obsessed with it. Any behavior can become obsessive, or addictive or compulsive, if we try to get an important need met that can’t intrinsically be met by that particular behavior.
I believe that whatever your gender or your sexual orientation, you probably have been conditioned to misperceive something very fundamental about our nature as human beings, and this misperception causes us all a lot unnecessary suffering. At your core, all of your behavior is positively motivated but all too often you may not have been taught the tools you need to fulfill this positive intent. In addition, you weren’t taught that you have a brain this is designed to react quickly to fear and that the human brain hasn’t evolved to tell the difference stress and danger. As a result, when you are stressed you often are triggered into the part of your brain that stores all your childhood fears and traumas. When this happens, you overreact and you aren’t able to actualize your positive intent. Our culture wasn’t sophisticated enough to know how the brain actually worked and so you learned to blame yourself and blame others for ineffective or painful behaviors, creating more stress. We all want to feel good and live fulfilling lives and but because you weren’t taught how to you can end up vulnerable to obsessive, compulsive or addictive behaviors, not because we want to hurt yourself but because these behaviors are attempts to feel good.
I was blessed with having an amazingly loving father which predisposed me to bring wonderful and loving men into my life. This includes my philosophical father, Kurt Goldstein, who believed that all living beings have one drive and that is for mastery, essentially to be the best that we can be. When we don’t fulfill this fundamental drive it’s because the environment has interfered and not because we are self-defeating or masochistic. Our unsophisticated culture has failed to understand who we are at our core and has conditioned you by judging or pathologizing your behavior, causing a great deal of pain. The purpose of this video is to help you connect to your basic goodness and the goodness in others so that you can live a fulfilling and compassionate life.
Any behavior that is obsessive, addictive or compulsive is your attempt to somehow feel better, more peaceful, or worthy, etc. However, when we are compelled to repeat a behavior over and over again, even if it is just in fantasy, it is because it really can’t sustain the feelings we are seeking. It is important to know that when you engage in obsessive, compulsive or addictive behaviors you are not masochistic or choosing to be out of control. Your positive intent is to create the feelings of ease or well-being you would have naturally attained if your parents had been able to love you unconditionally. To varying degrees we all have ritualistic, obsessive, addictive or compulsive thoughts, fantasies or behaviors.
So, what is this got to do with oral sex and the male dilemma? Let’s start by looking at one of the myths created by our culture that probably have you and most everyone you know at a disadvantage. It is what I called the myth of romantic love which basically says that if you didn’t get unconditional love from your parents you can get it in a romantic relationship. But this notion that there is actually a “do over,” is a myth and undermines our romantic relationships and creates a great deal of stress in our sexual behavior.
What is the male dilemma that leads to this obsession? Both men and women in our culture have a hard time fully “receiving,” positive experiences. If you didn’t receive unconditional love and support early in your life you didn’t learn to develop what I call the “receptive response.” Not getting enough love and nurturance meant that you were receiving something that didn’t feel good. If you were criticized or ignored you learned to shut down because it was too painful to look for acceptance and not be able to get it. No one told you that you needed to be taught how to open up to receiving after this early shutting down. You couldn’t have known as an infant or a child that they just didn’t have it to give. Children were vulnerable and helpless and easily feel rejected or shamed when they are not given what they need. These feelings persist and may be expressed as the lesser forms of shame like embarrassment or awkwardness, robbing you of the feelings of dignity and worthiness you deserve. Your conditioning has hypnotized you into believing that being loved and desired will redeem you from the painful feelings of not being good enough.
In our culture or genitals can be the source of great pleasure but also the source of shame because of their association with bathroom activities and the messy things that happen “down there.” You weren’t taught the power of compassion and instead we have all been conditioned to feel the power comes from being judgmental and critical. This reinforces the feelings of shame or uneasiness that developed early in life. If you are a woman I want you to know how much how much difficulty men have expressing their own pain because they have been conditioned to feel that this would be seen as a weakness. Their suffering can be excruciating when they deal with impotence and when they struggle financially. I have known many men who have said they take medications like Viagra so they don’t even have to think about whether or not they will have an erection.
For men, receiving oral sex allows the luxury of being passive, the pleasure of being receptive and the cleansing of their shame as their penis is lovingly caressed by their partner’s mouth. All of this is accomplished while their masculinity remains perfectly intact. Many women, on the other hand, who have a lot of shame don’t like receiving oral sex because their feelings of shame lead them to experience their vaginas as disgusting, ugly and/or smelly.
Oral sex is wonderfully pleasurable as is enjoying good food or drinking a fine wine but when any of these behaviors are done obsessively we end up feeling out of control or diminished. These pleasurable behaviors can initially give you a sense of well-being but can’t really undo the feelings of shame or unworthiness that were conditioned into us when our parents didn’t have the ability to love us unconditionally. You may have felt frustrated or angry at yourself for overindulging in any behavior that made you feel out of control.
Without the proper emotional education, you may have been missing by 180° the meaning of your own or someone else’s behavior. I don’t know how many times I’ve heard women be angry at men and feel like they are seen as sex objects because “all he wants is for me to blow him.” You can engage or not engage in performing oral sex but whatever you choose to do I’m sure you will feel more empowered if you can see the positive intent in a man’s desire or obsession with oral sex.
I believe that we all need what I call a “corrective relationship,” a mentor, therapist or guru that gives us this unconditional love so that we can replace any feelings of unworthiness with the experience of being truly lovable at our core. When you were given this kind of love you internalize it and develop loving feelings towards yourself and invite others to treat you in lovingly. Developing this receptivity allows you to feel the love and appreciation that may already exist in your life and your antenna goes up so that you attract more loving people into your life. This is a precious gift that I received and a gift I want to share with you as I have shared it with all the people in my life, personally and professionally.
I can’t emphasize enough how much more fulfilling all of your relationships will be including the relationship you have with yourself if you learn that all behavior has a positive intent, regardless of the outcome.
All of the videos on my channel are designed to give you the tools you need to feel worthy and empowered. It would be my pleasure to help you in any way that I can to become more empowered because I know that’s what you truly want. I know how important support has been in my own transformation and I want to support you in any way that I can. I have worked with people all over the world and can be available in person, on the phone or through Skype. Please check out my website helenkramer.com I have written a number of blogs to give you more tools for liberation and fulfillment. Please feel free to contact me at
I would like to share with you some other blogs and videos with important tools for transformation. This is the link to my YouTube channel firstname.lastname@example.org. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCCqDb2FtRHyE9fVVhB4eu5g
you can find my blogs on my website helenkramer.com
Invitation to Emotional Education and Greater Empowerment https://youtu.be/SerlxbQbc3k
Attaining and Maintaining Intimate Relationships https://youtu.be/jnQMeXmkvtM
Taking the Stress Out Of Stress https://youtu.be/3YAlPW1pmO4
The Power of Compassion https://youtu.be/6W1ZYuafyvM
The Hidden Cause of Emotional Suffering and How to Heal It
How to Enhance Your Self-Esteem https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wx6iWFXRBno
Unconditional Love Meditation https://youtu.be/cdS-hND7ZZU
Here are some links to videos they did in 2012 with Alan Steinfield when I appeared on his New Realities Television Show.
Helen Kramer talks about Neuroplasticity and the Adult Within
How to Deal with Anxiety in New Way
Helen Kramer talks about How to Become More Spiritual