by Helen Kramer
I don’t think I’ve ever consumed as much news as I have since Trump was elected. Countless times, I’ve heard journalists and pundits ask, “Doesn’t he have any empathy?” “Can’t he see that we have videotapes of him saying something that he now claims never happened?” “Why doesn’t he see that when he holds a press conference about the coronavirus, the stock market tanks?” To answer these questions, we need to understand how our brains differ in form and function, dramatically affecting our cognitive and emotional capacities.
We tend to blame people for behavior that is hurtful and destructive, but we now know through brain imaging technology that narcissists and sociopaths are missing gray matter in the area of the brain that contains neurons allowing human beings to feel empathy and compassion. Missing this gray matter is a physiological anomaly with emotional consequences. It is no less physiological than being born colorblind because some of the light-sensitive cells in the retina don’t respond to certain colors. This physiological deficiency greatly impairs an individual’s ability to relate to others and themselves. People with this brain style are severely restricted in their capacity for giving and receiving love, preventing them from forming deeply satisfying bonds.
No one chooses to have a brain that interferes with forming the loving relationships that can only occur with compassionate and empathic connection. Without knowing that such a physiological limitation exists, we assume that a person who is successful, intelligent, or talented could be more sensitive if they made the effort. We tend to blame them for this physiological limitation because their insensitivity and selfishness are so destructive. Trump, like most narcissists, is physiologically limited—he didn’t decide to have this deficit and most likely is not consciously aware of how impaired he is. From my experience working with narcissists, they do have some knowing, perhaps subconsciously, that there is something wrong with them, which makes them try to manipulate and control others so that they won’t be found out.
We all have imperfections and difficulties that we don’t choose. If we’re going to rise to our infinite potential as a species, we need to connect with dignity to ourselves and each other no matter the circumstances. We can no longer try to feel better about ourselves by demonizing or judging others. We diminish ourselves whenever we diminish others and get trapped in an endless cycle of fear, alienation, and pain. Whenever we use what I call “the judgmental muscle,” we strengthen our delusion that judging others in some way elevates us. Using this muscle just makes it stronger, and we will turn on ourselves as well as others, and then live in the fear that we are next. Unfortunately, we use judgment as a way of trying to feel better about ourselves, but a more authentic opportunity comes from giving and receiving unconditional love.
Narcissism is common, and you, or someone close to you, probably have experienced a painful relationship with someone who has this brain style. The more others empower narcissists, the more out-of-control they become. No matter how much power they get, at their core, they feel like imposters fear of being found out, which causes them to get more and more arrogant. Narcissists live in a world of extremes, in which they perceive themselves as either shameful and disgusting or wear a mask of arrogance and superiority. Narcissists like Trump are incapable of either admitting that they made a mistake or apologizing for any of their behavior. Rather than blaming narcissists, or Trump and his supporters, we need to look at underlying issues so that we can address them in ways that lead to strengthening our culture.
The key to understanding narcissists is to know that they suffer from tremendous feelings of shame, which they cover up with feelings of entitlement and superiority. To understand the inner workings of a narcissist, every time they are saying something that is diminishing or demeaning to someone else, imagine they are talking to themselves in the mirror. What they say to others is a reflection of how they were conditioned early in life to feel about themselves. Because this is so painful, narcissists like Trump become addicted to praise because it temporarily assuages their feelings of shame.
If you want more insight into Trump’s inner world, try recalling a time when you did something that triggered feelings of embarrassment or shame. Now, imagine that these feelings dominated your early childhood. As a result, you were conditioned to live in fear that you would constantly be humiliated if you didn’t make a preemptive strike by diminishing others before they could do it to you. For the narcissist, life is a seesaw where somebody always has to be on the bottom and the top. They are continually trying to escape their own personal hell, a hell in which they feel that at their very core, they are disgusting and unlovable.
A simple way to understand how this deficiency robs people of true joy and love you could try resurrecting the memory of a time when you felt superior or better than someone else and notice how that felt. Now, recall a tender memory of being with a child that you love or experiencing the satisfying pleasure of giving and receiving unconditional love. What do you imagine life would be like if you could never live in loving relationships?
Regardless of the danger of COVID, Trump is determined to ignore medical guidelines that recommend social distancing to hold crowded rallies. He makes this decision because his addiction to adoration controls him, and because he is incapable of having true compassion for other people’s health and well-being. This adoration, even from strangers, has become a substitute for genuine warmth and love. And of course, if there are rally attendees who do contract the virus, Trump will fabricate a conspiracy theory without any feelings of guilt about supporters becoming ill. He is also unable to feel any remorse for those he demonizes with his conspiracy theories and the divisiveness this causes. Nor does he feel guilt from the painful impact he makes when he convinces his supporters that they are victims of conspirators, increasing their already fragile sense of safety.
The narcissist’s feelings of shame and victimization are excruciating. No matter how much they demean others, their feelings of shame and disgust are never transformed. Therefore, narcissists are continually fighting for the life of their ego because their feelings of unworthiness are intolerable.
When the news media reported that Trump had been sent to a bunker in the basement of the White House, his humiliation was so intolerable that he had to act out by having mounted police attack peaceful demonstrators. His humiliation was so painful that he reacted in a primitive way when he aggressively and illegally cleared the area so he could have a photo-op of himself holding an upside-down Bible like a prop. His limited ability to know how to be truly powerful, revealed how much he resembles the fabled Emperor with no clothes. To avoid pain and humiliation, he creates more, which is incredibly troubling for us because his behavior is so dangerous. he was acting like a child’s version of what power would be. He wasn’t able to predict that attempting to avoid humiliation in such a childlike manner caused him to actually behave in a more shameful manner. He has no idea that what he thought was a demonstration of his power made him look ridiculous.
Trump also has no understanding of why his poll numbers are slipping, or why people are willing to march in the streets day after day to support social change. Instead, he feels victimized and humiliated, and we all have to be prepared for more violence and more repression.
Without the capacity for deep human connection, Trump learned how to manipulate and seduce as a way of compensating for his limitations. He doesn’t know that he is missing the gratification most people have from genuinely giving and receiving love. One of the most beautiful parts of the human experience is the joy we feel when we are loving and being loved. But these experiences are not available to Trump because of his inability to feel true compassion, so he manipulates and seduces to get adoration so that he can feel better about himself. But this behavior is no substitute for genuine love and does not satisfy him, so he never feels at peace and has to hold rallies to feed his addiction to adoration continually.
Trump, like many narcissists, has an uncanny ability to read fear and longing in others. He perceives this fear, shame, and impotence in others because these feelings define his emotional life. To seduce others, he has created the illusion that he sees their suffering. In place of genuine contact, he has learned to control people by alluring or intimidating them as he prays on their feelings of weakness. He feeds and depends on their fear and vulnerability. It doesn’t matter if his following is comprised of “apparently,” powerful senators, governors, or people who have accumulated great wealth—inside, they are frightened and dependent.
Trump developed his cult-like following by frightening people, provoking their most painful feelings of being victimized, saying, “I, alone, can solve your problems.” Trump did this masterfully when he was running for office, and with his arrogance, he fabricates solutions to problems he never really understood. What he realized was that he could make people dependent on him to the point of cult-like devotion. Trump’s supporters were capable of being seduced because they felt their needs were invisible to establishment politicians. Not only had our culture become more socially disconnected, but our political system had become more adversarial, creating an environment where the common good was lost, and winning against our adversaries was the prime objective. No culture can thrive under those circumstances.
Trump doesn’t know how powerful it feels to give and receive love, so his definition of power is distorted, leading to his “love affairs” with dictators. He behaves as if he has a strong hunger for a father—with the temperament of his own—but one that will approve of him and release him from his shame. He is frozen in time and has never developed any adult resources to deal with his shame and suffers because he lives like a rejected, rageful, victimized, little boy. Without real resources to deal with his pain, he ends up throwing tantrums and desperately begging for approval.
All behavior is on a continuum. Although most of us have occasionally experienced moments of deep embarrassment, shame, or humiliation, we can remember that these memories are deeply painful. But for narcissists, that pain is always right below the surface, waiting to overtake them. Living like this is excruciating, so they are constantly seeking out ways to avoid these feelings. They live in that pain all the time, and because it is so agonizing, they are always trying to escape these dreadful feelings.
The fact that Trump was elected is not the problem—his victory is a symptom of broader cultural issues. Trump was able to seduce people who were feeling invisible and neglected. We need to hear all members of our society as everyone needs to be visible and seen with dignity. If they’re not, they are vulnerable to living like victims, overcoming their despair with anger and hatred, and are susceptible to being seduced. Trump gave the illusion of filling a void for people who felt unseen. He manipulated people with the misconception that he saw their needs and created a false sense of empowerment in his followers by stimulating their feelings of victimization and anger. Being angry can create the illusion of power but is often a way of covering feelings of impotence and has to be re-stimulated over and over again to suppress feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.
Understanding Trump can enhance our ability to better understand humanity. When behavior is driven by fear or shame, it is doomed to have painful consequences. These emotional states cause us to be reactive and irrational, leading to greater fearfulness and shame. With all his outrageous arrogance, Trump is behaving in more and more absurd ways. He can’t help it—toxic shame creates more shame, a level that no amount of arrogance and seduction can obscure.
Pundits question why he acts in such a self-destructive way—the only way to understand this behavior is to know that he is driven, on a deep level, to expose his agonizing feelings of shame. It’s as if he can no longer maintain the charade and is revealing himself as an imposter. Of course, he has no conscious awareness of what he’s doing, and like all human beings, acting from this intense level of fear and shame has made him more and more irrational. Now, his irrationality is reaching new heights. The longer he stays in office the more he suffers from having to keep up this horribly painful charade.
About the Author: Helen Kramer, Therapist, Healer, Coach, Business Consultant
After graduating Cornell University in 1967 with a Bachelor of Science in Child Development, Kramer attended Graduate School at Brooklyn College and The New School for Social Research in NYC. Kramer attended The Gestalt Center where she taught and supervised professional psychologists, psychiatrists, and social workers.
Kramer has worked as a consultant for 60 Minutes, 20/20, and has been profiled in Mademoiselle, Cosmopolitan, New Woman, The Daily News, Family Circle, Newsday, and New York Woman. She has appeared on numerous radio, and TV talk shows across the country including Oprah, Today in NY, and Good Day New York. She has taught at the Learning Annex, the Open Center and is a frequent guest on WBAI’s radio show, “Take Charge of Your Health.” Kramer continues lecturing and serving people through her private practice in New York City and Long Island.